Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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