Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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