I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
