i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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