Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
