i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
