k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
