I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
