im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
