So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
