I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
