I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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