so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize