I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
there was a trapeze. enough said
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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