I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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