Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
