I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
