if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
one might say we're banned from that church
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
