Only a mothe r could love this liver
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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