My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
