I faked an abortion last night.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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