I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize