I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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