just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
