Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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