So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
