WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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