I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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