in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
