i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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