I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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