Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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