I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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