Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
