my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
