Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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