i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
