oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
