there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
