I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
