I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
