I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
