I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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