yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
