I am puke
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize