My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
