she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
