Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
