as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize