im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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