i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
