i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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