cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
