Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
