Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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