Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
