You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
