I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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