I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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